i have punished myself enough for the mistakes i have made over the past year, for the person i was surprised i became, for the personal integrity i compromised, for the why and for how i hurt you, myself and others. i have not beelieved in quick forgiveness, not usually good at it though i am working on it. i often think it is akin to false absolution, mind you i do not have a time frame on when its good to finally do it either..its just a feeling after enough time has gone by and much effort to understand the reasons i did what i did and to fully acknowledge what i have done, to accept the responsibility for my behavoir to not give blame where i need to see my own, as well as see others mistakes too but not judge too harshly, so that i may face the consequences of my choices..so that i am able to let it go and release myself. For if i am to move forward i must use the lessons i have learned from those mistakes, which have been many, toward creating a better tomorrow.

this has been the most trying year of my life- and yours too, i assume. Feb 21st, 2009 to Feb 22nd 2010-booked ended with smashed cars...one opened the chaos i was to create- the other closes the door to that year. bee gone, bee done, beelieve it was for much needed reasons.

i see this as a sign that i survived it and though i am more humble, more sensitive, feel less dynamic and vivacious i know that i am stronger, wiser and more in touch with myself, i have a much deeper understanding of how my actions and esp in-actions and behavoirs affect others and i have the knowledge that everything is interconnected, so what i do effects others on levels i may never know. i hope to be more aware of that fact and act accordingly.

what i have judged others of harshly i have turned around and done to others, you. i have carried that shame and embarrassment and pain of knowing i caused you the hardest pain i have ever felt. that pain has crippled me. i have had to sit long and hard with that reality, i have beat myself up, blamed myself for everything, taken myself to places no one should go. I am done doing those things. i made mistakes, i hurt others badly, esp you and i am so sorry for having done so but i can not continue to oppress myself if i am to make amends...esp to you.. i need to use these lessons to lift myself up to a better place so that i am a better version of myself.

thank you for allowing me the opportunity to show you that person. you are a blessing in my life like no other. i am honored you are here.

namaste