Your pushing me to an edge

I can wait for a lot of things.

Seriously.

but how much do you want to push me?
.:.

i have punished myself enough for the mistakes i have made over the past year, for the person i was surprised i became, for the personal integrity i compromised, for the why and for how i hurt you, myself and others. i have not beelieved in quick forgiveness, not usually good at it though i am working on it. i often think it is akin to false absolution, mind you i do not have a time frame on when its good to finally do it either..its just a feeling after enough time has gone by and much effort to understand the reasons i did what i did and to fully acknowledge what i have done, to accept the responsibility for my behavoir to not give blame where i need to see my own, as well as see others mistakes too but not judge too harshly, so that i may face the consequences of my choices..so that i am able to let it go and release myself. For if i am to move forward i must use the lessons i have learned from those mistakes, which have been many, toward creating a better tomorrow.

this has been the most trying year of my life- and yours too, i assume. Feb 21st, 2009 to Feb 22nd 2010-booked ended with smashed cars...one opened the chaos i was to create- the other closes the door to that year. bee gone, bee done, beelieve it was for much needed reasons.

i see this as a sign that i survived it and though i am more humble, more sensitive, feel less dynamic and vivacious i know that i am stronger, wiser and more in touch with myself, i have a much deeper understanding of how my actions and esp in-actions and behavoirs affect others and i have the knowledge that everything is interconnected, so what i do effects others on levels i may never know. i hope to be more aware of that fact and act accordingly.

what i have judged others of harshly i have turned around and done to others, you. i have carried that shame and embarrassment and pain of knowing i caused you the hardest pain i have ever felt. that pain has crippled me. i have had to sit long and hard with that reality, i have beat myself up, blamed myself for everything, taken myself to places no one should go. I am done doing those things. i made mistakes, i hurt others badly, esp you and i am so sorry for having done so but i can not continue to oppress myself if i am to make amends...esp to you.. i need to use these lessons to lift myself up to a better place so that i am a better version of myself.

thank you for allowing me the opportunity to show you that person. you are a blessing in my life like no other. i am honored you are here.

namaste

Found this:

I found this in a little pocket journal of mine...looks like I wrote it when I was in New York last fall.

----

Try to make sense
of the frequency
from our combined heartbeats
and you will always be left
mystified and dumbstruck
at the amazing talents
of our Love
.:.

...

...

yup...still am...

Over react

Sometimes I over react.

Earlier today I really wanted all lines of communication cut for good.

But I thought about it. And I dont.

I am sorry for the over reaction.

Mountain Dreaming

The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

ATTYK

There are a few things I hope you know.












Thank you for your photos.
Even if I do not know their meanings all the time.

thought of the day

I want to:

I want to talk to you.
But I need to leave you be for a little while.
I'm sorry that I am sometimes poor
at silence.

i have much to say.
but this is not the time to say it

I have been thinking a lot
feeling a lot
and i know that I am at a loss
not being able to share it with you.

Enjoy your trip.
I hope it is what you need.

in all languages and all manners...

My

i was told to look this song up and listen to the lyrics by my friend ray...it helps him...






i'm really glad he shared it with me.